Introspection Central!

First and foremost, how is it May 12? I had such grand plans to post about my goals for the month! So a post from my very full mind today, and a better, more focused post tomorrow.

Sorry, very little will be about spinning (which has been back burner-ed by training for a half), running (training for a half) and sewing (it’s wedding season, and I’m exhausted.)

Happy Mother’s Day to all the mamas out there!!

Or, as I like to call it, the ultimate day of introspection.

I have such a wonderful mom. She is my favorite person to talk to, and we are s much alike (which is one reason why I would never admit to her the dark place exists.) I am so proud to be her daughter, and I am so sad that it has been years since I’ve seen her on Mother’s Day. I know so many have lost their moms so this is small potatoes, but I miss her.

My MIL is amazing. The way she has held herself and the family together since FIL’s passing has been awe inspiring. She is the only one I feel I can truly talk to when either my husband or I are standing on the precipice of the dark place–she gets it, never judges, gently guides you to the path that leads back to the good, and cheers you on until you get there. There are no words for how wonderful it feels to be unconditionally supported like that.

I could go on and on about friends and family who are awesome moms, but I’m too wrapped up in my own head or that. Also, I would NEVER SHUT UP. I know so any great moms.

It’s hard not to compare yourself to others, especially today. To all the moms out there, I wish I were one of you. But I’m not, and I’m not sure I ever will be, and I don’t know if that will be by circumstance or choice.

It has been a hell of a year–hellish in some parts, hell of a fantastic ride in others. The dark place has been prevalent. On days like today, it is hard to fight the monster inside your mind that is quietly telling that you to forget about all of the amazing things that surround you. That tiny little voice is fighting like hell to make you believe you are a lesser person. Maybe if I had been nicer, kinder, less selfish, ate better, married younger, ran more/less, not gone out partying every night until 3 am (and anyone who know me knows how laughable that is), I could have that thing I’ve always wanted, and not having little monsters around is out of he question.

On a day like today, it is impossible to pull my head out of my ass and quiet the monster.

But then I look over at my husband, sit our patio and look at the life we’ve built, and know that we’ve got it pretty awesome on the flip side.

Also, what is the cure for the introspection?

Mother effing wedding season.

I feel like a rock star–clean office, huge to-do list complete, challenging projects, happy brides, supportive husband.

Seriously. I’ve got it good.

Categories family, home

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